On Values
I’ve noticed a trend:
The displacement of presence.
I struggle to fully immerse myself in the present. When I’m working, a part of me feels that I should be spending more time with people. The other part of me questions if I am even working on the right things. Do I work on things that bring me progressive value or do I work on things that I enjoy at the moment? Often, they are mutually exclusive.
In periods of stress variance, I crave stability. Vice versa. One moves you towards a destination while the other also moves you somewhere, but you just don’t really know where.
This dichotomy pervades each moment. I feel moments of fulfillment but never consistent fulfillment because I always remember the things that I could be doing. Maybe this is a persistent case of “the grass is greener on the other side”.
At Dartmouth, we’re taught very early that we can do anything, but we can’t do everything. I am stubborn and so deeply wish that I could do everything and some part of me still believes in it. There are certainly pockets within my day where I am simply in a transitory period between two activities. The truth is that I can always be more optimized, but at what point am I even living life?
As I’m writing this, I’m suddenly reminded of what Anika told me almost a year ago: “Life is not meant to be optimized; it is meant to be lived”. Experience is inherently inefficient, but that’s why it’s meaningful.
One could argue that you ought to optimize for living. In a way, it makes sense but I feel it’s a juxtaposition. To me, the words living is the epitome of freedom while optimization is the antithesis, though the lines are far more blurred than black and white. I'm straying away from the purpose of this essay though. I need to define a set of values for this period of my life.
So let’s figure this out.
I’ve always told myself that purpose and people are the top values in my life. This still holds true, but I need to be more explicit. Currently, it’s Fall Term 2025 and also p term. I started off the term trying to optimize for making new friends and growing closer with older friends. In turn, I took the gas off of recruiting, the gym, and research. Yet I’m always itching to keep building, reading, learning and researching.
Two years ago, I built a framework for balance that I still hold to be true today. You need imbalance in your life to push limits, but we can find this imbalance via a balanced amount of imbalance. What this means is that one can designate periods of life to place some values higher and others lower.
It’s getting late so let’s wrap this up. We’re getting close. When considering opportunity cost, I can always build and research but I can’t always recruit or go through p term again or enjoy the fall foliage of New Hampshire. I won’t always have the chance to do stupid things with my friends and blame it on “p tasks” or go on midnight hikes with friends or go jumping in bouncy houses on random Friday nights.
I have almost 3 more years at this school. And I’d rather live 3 years in a place I can fondly call home. For this term, I’m going to take a step back from startups, research and optimization. One day(likely not far off), I will go all in again, but not now. This term, I’m going to build a home.